Well here we are in April 2026. We’ve just experienced some of the most deranged memes ever seen from our illustrious leader, who now apparently has gone full GOD complex on us. Aside from posting two of the stupidest and most sacreligious images imaginable, himself as Jesus Christ (nobody’s buying that “doctor ” BS Donald), he also has proceeded to lecture the Pope on what he should talk about. But it was made all better by fearless warrior Brylcreem Pete quoting that well known Bible verse from the Book of Pulp Fiction, that’s the one right after Ezekiel.
Seems like a good time to recap where we are in the winning column, since that is all the world’s sorest loser seems to care about.
Gas is now pushing $4/gal on average in the US, down somewhat this past week due to blatant manipulation by King Donald quoting imaginary progress on ceasefires, only to have the Straights of Hormuz closed again overnight as Iran throws up all over his “points of agreement” statements. Gas is now up over a $1 on average this year, while diesel fuel is even worse, more like $1.50/gal YTD. Feels like winning doesn’t it? Wait until those increases roll through on transportation costs for everything shipped by truck. Don’t worry the head of Chevron says you should just drive less.
Many Americans can no longer afford health insurance after our stellar Congress failed to extend the Obamacare subsidies or better yet fix the system. After all who needs health insurance when you can’t afford groceries? Insurance in fact is way up across the board; health, home, car, you name it and it has gone up double digits throughout most of the country. Yay!
Food remains ridiculously expensive. Sure eggs are down, but how many people want to live on only eggs? Try buying beef in any form. Even chicken is now ridiculously priced. Every trip to the grocery store is $200 for any meaningful amount of food. Paper products are just astronomical in cost. Coffee has gone up significantly. Fruit and vegetables are also too high, and what you do buy in the store seems to either be out of date, or rots in no time. In fact, out of date food seems to be the standard today, I find one has to check the date on every single item you buy as all of it is about to expire.
Seen your electric bill lately? It’s only going to get higher. the two cheapest form of new electric power; solar and wind, have been decimated by Trump administration policies in favor of fossil fuels, even though electric production from renewables just exceeded that from natural gas for the first time ever. Don’t worry, we need those hundreds of data centers that are driving up demand, so we can build AI models to take your jobs. Isn’t that winning?
We have successfully closed the southern border. While I’m the first to say having open borders is stupid, we still haven’t stopped the flow of illegal drugs into the US (but hey look we control Venezuela!), have eliminated the source of low cost labor into the US, so critical for jobs Americans simply won’t do, and made it very difficult to grow the economy as the US population is now slowly decreasing without immigration.
We have demonized all immigrants with a completely out of control ICE operation that also murdered two American citizens for nothing other than standing up for their rights. Mask wearing, warrantless ICE officers running around everywhere locking up anyone that even looks hispanic sure feels like winning doesn’t it? On the bright side we fired ICE Barbie.
Job growth has submarined. Don’t be distracted by last month’s surprisingly positive result. we have created about 90K new jobs in total the last six months. 15K per month. Isn’t that great? Plus, after several years of wages outrunning costs, inflation is now greater than wage growth. Yay! GDP is showing a similar trend, wild swings in the numbers but on average growth is lower than the last two years under Biden.
All environmental laws have been frozen or decimated under the sparkling leadership of Lee Zeldin, who was such a great secretary that he was considered for Attorney General. Of course, someone who ignores or disempowers laws on the books is perfect for that role. We are granting oil and gas companies immunity for climate and/or health issues they’ve created, opening up drilling everywhere even though we don’t need the oil, re-energizing use of ROUNDUP because of course it’s not dangerous, ignoring “forever” chemicals in the environment, walking back every aspect of the Clean Air Act and who know what else? Maybe we could just bring back asbestos since it was such a great product. Who cares? It’s just your grandchildren that will live in the resulting mess. Winning!
Epstein files? Nothing to see there. Except 1 million references to Donald Trump, which have been deemed too nasty and unfair to be seen by the public by, oh that’s right, Donald Trump, through his DOJ flunkies, first Spam Blondie and now that idiot Todd Blanche. Transparency? We don’t need no stinking transparency! You really believed Trump and all his little enablers were going to release all those files with him all over them? You believed they cared about the victims? Boy are you ever stupid. Maybe you’d like to buy some cryptocurrency from Eric Trump?
No more wars. Yes! Except Venezuela because we want their oil. And Iran for some reason we can’t seem to articulate. No one told us they would close the Straights of Hormuz and hammer the world economy. Except everyone that could read a map. But don’t worry, there’s always Greenland, or Cuba or somewhere else Trump hears about on Fox News. Maybe Nigeria to protect Christians. Just to show we don’t want any more forever wars we want to increase the defense budget to $1.5 trillion, so we can replace all the ammo we shot off “winning” in the Persian Gulf. How about we rename the gulf and declare victory? Doesn’t it make perfectly logical sense to take the one cabinet department that has never passed an audit and increase its budget by 40%. Sure. Just because history says every country that builds up its military power uses it shouldn’t bother anyone. Isn’t that winning?
BTW, don’t look now but the big clock is ticking on Social Security. Whether it is 2033 or 2034, benefits are headed toward a big cut (down to something like 72% of current values) because the system is running out of money. No worries. Old people don’t really need it do they? Billionaires certainly shouldn’t have to pay more to prevent that from happening should they? No way. We continue to espouse the Alfred E. Neuman philosophy on deficits. None of you GEN Z’ers or Millennials will have any idea what I’m talking about. What me worry? After all, all you grandmas that get your social security cut and don’t have adequate health insurance when this happens can just go work for Door Dash. Isn’t that winning?
We have the biggest measles outbreak in forever because we the dumbest secretary of Health and Human Services ever in charge of the nation’s health. The No 1 snake oil salesman of health products(Dr. Oz) is in charge of medicare, and we’ve nominated a person who didn’t actually finish their medical residency to be Surgeon General, someone so unqualified that Trump’s previous Surgeon General came out saying WTH? But what the country has always needed is a Health Leader that eats roadkill, swims in sewage and makes raw milk commercials in a hot tub with Kid Rock isn’t it?
Meanwhile we are laser focused on the truly important things. Building a new over budget ballroom. Outfitting everything with gold gilt. Building the Arc de Trump to celebrate the war we didn’t win. Putting the big, stupid Sharpie signature on our currency. Putting the President’s name on every open spot of architecture in Washington DC. Yes by god, those things help all of us Americans don’t they??
So just look at all the things that we have going for us, brought to you by the most corrupt megalomaniac to ever grace the Oval Office and continually enabled by the spineless jellyfish party, er Republicans, in Congress who have mastered the art of looking the other way and doing absolutely nothing. Even when it certainly appears that Grandpa is off his meds, he can’t remember who was President last year, or when Ruth Bader Ginsberg dies or when the Senator from North Carolina is going to leave office or what the Pope actually said.
Here is the Republican vision of “Winning”:
President lies every day and that’s ok because clearly his followers are idiots. Thinks he is Jesus. Enables genocide by Israel because Netanyahu told him to.
Costs are up and average Americans can’t afford gas, buying a new house, food, electricity, insurance or health care. So drive less, eat less, turn the heat or AC down.
Jobs are down. GDP is down. But hey the stock market is great as if that help the average American put food on the table.
Immigrants are evil. All of them are terrorists. Just because we are a nation of immigrants doesn’t matter. Only White people are good. They are the ones being discriminated against.
War is good. Build more guns. Kill more people. Start fights with as many foreign countries as possible. Allies, schmallies. We don’t need no allies.
Social security is bad. Medicare is bad. Medicaid is bad. Just all fraud and waste.
All glory to Trump. Put his name and image everywhere like the false god he is. That is absolutely his real tan and real hair.
Measles isn’t dangerous. Vaccines are. Ignore all the diseases that vaccines have eliminated or brought under control. A crackpot or a podcaster knows better than the AMA what is good for you.
We don’t need clean air or clean water or clean soil. We need mining and oil wells. We need pesticides and forever chemicals. We need coal.
Solar Energy is bad. It comes from the sun which isn’t owned by any company.
AI is good. It won’t take any of your jobs. It won’t become sentient at some point and decide humans are the existential risk to Earth.
Billionaires should never pay taxes. Neither should Tech companies. After all they are building all that great infrastructure that spies on you and allows you to post hateful crap about everything and everyone on line. How could we live without that.
Isn’t Winning great! Yay! Remember how great all that feels come this November.